That's Life

by Ted Hickman

May 4, 2005

I am not a clod, Happy Birthday

I just want all of you lovely ladies to know I am not the clod I appear to be. Regular readers will remember a short time ago I surprised my first wife Linda with a Johnny Mathis concert that I promised her 30+ years ago. Four our 40^th wedding anniversary we went to Hawaii for the first time.

            Five months ago she heard the Broadway production of the Lion King was coming to Sacramento and casually said I, “I would really like to see that.” That night I got on line and made reservations for tonight.

Tonight, for her birthday we will go out to dinner and see the Lion King. Some of this stuff hopefully makes up for her putting with me all of these years. The last of the promises I have to keep was that of a cruise and we’ve set a date for that.

New roof, check; new carpet, check; Johnny, check; Hawaii, check; Rat Terrier, check; quit smoking, check; mellow out, check. Yep, that about does it! Happy birthday Baby!

Bobbleheads!

 I went to the Dixon Chamber of Commerce’s “mixer” last week held at Century 21 and catered by a restaurant from Vacaville. The majority of the city council was in attendance and some astute young lady said to me, “Watch them, they all look like bobble heads, you know the little dolls whose heads jiggle at the slightest touch or movement.” As I watched them talk to their constituencies and saw them nod their heads continually in agreement I had to stifle a laugh…she was right! We have a city council of bobble heads.

The man who wins bobble head of the year has to be Mike Smith, the front man for a labor union who claims: 1. He is not a politician. 2. He doesn’t know how much he is paid by the city because it “goes right into his 401K.” 3. He doesn’t want to publicly do anything controversial because the rest of the council will be mad at him. 4. He’s not a politician. 5. If the public wants to know anything they must go to his web site and try and find out what he thinks. He has written letters to the editor to Sacramento and Fairfield but not in Dixon and not on city council issues.

This guy was elected by default during a presidential election year on a back lash against incumbents. He will never get elected again because if he has to press the flesh or take a stand everyone will see what a weenie he is. He has no platform, will take no stand and doesn’t want to make anyone mad. He’s already a lame duck candidate who someone like Mikey will chew up and spit out at the next election. He was a one issue candidate and needs to resigns and give someone who cares about this city and it citizens a chance to have some input in our future. The only thing that could make me revise my opinion of this bobble head is if he would admit he was drunk and didn’t really realize was he was saying to the half-a-dozen people listening to our conservation.

Bobble Heads!

What a golden opportunity for John Waterman, owner of the caffeine dispensing waterhole called Java California to start another business.

John, who is Dixon’s answer to P.T. Barnum, will take a chance and start business from scratch.  John, listen up! If you have bobble heads made of the city council and give one out with each five cups of your mocha, latte, super speed, hot drinks it will be a great promotion. (Can you tell I don’t drink coffee?)

Here’s the public benefit. You can collect all five, set them up in a row, talk to them, start their heads moving and it will be just like being at a city council meeting.

Smith’s head will bob slower than the rest because he is not the brightest bulb on the tree. Vega’s may bob a little to the side because it has trouble deciding which way to nod. Ferrero’s will just bob side to side because he can’t believe what’s coming out of the mouths of other council members. Alexander’s will bob up and down all of the time because it makes him look like he really understands. Mayor Mary Ann’s will bob in all directions at once and will need special reinforcement to make sure it doesn’t blow completely off from the amount of garbage she has to put up with.

If it goes over well he can add others like one of Mikey with steam coming out of his ears, or the first ADA compliant wheelchair bobble head; the possibilities are endless. I might start drinking coffee just to obtain this collection.

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up.

This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK.... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.

AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

My Personal Living Will, thanks KCM

I, ________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.  When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery.  It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who
aren't in a permanent coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me.  I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

_______________________________________ Signature

_______________________________________ Witness

How to fix the problem:

   Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.  The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.  The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.  The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

How Many Virgins?

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to the pearly gates. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"   Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me!"

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"